[Fic] Maybe One Day
Dec. 25th, 2014 11:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
te_chan01Title-Maybe One Day
Pairing- Subaru/Yasu
Rating- PG
Genre- Angst, maybe?
Word Length- 4612
Disclaimer- Totally fictional :) Disregarded how schedules may really be.
Summary- Just when Subaru thought Shota was coming around, thinking they would be back together again, something bigger stand in their way.
Note- This was a challenge to myself to see if I can actually finish something by a deadline. Just barely made it!
It’s been busy lately. Hardly an ounce of time to think about anything other than work. What with the tenth year anniversary performances, the new record label, album and tour, down time is a rare thing. Add on the regular bout of photo shoots, interviews, television appearances and their own shows to host, and you have a very full schedule.
So Subaru can’t help it when during a taping of Janiben he finds himself staring at Shota a little more than usual. He sees him all the time at work, but somehow when he sees him now, his chest starts to ache. A distance seems to have sprouted up between them, even if it isn’t so obvious on stage or screen. Though they see each other constantly and still go out once in a while for a meal, another member is always with. When a bit of free time is squeezed into the schedule, Shota is already flooded with plans from other friends and family he hasn’t seen in so long. Subaru makes plans as well, and enjoys using some of that time to separate from people and have time just for himself. But he would be willing to drop all that if it meant some alone time with Shota.
The last few years put a bit of a strain on their personal, more secret relationship. They had pulled apart, though they always acted and communicated as though nothing had changed between them when they were around everyone else. But they hadn’t gone out together, alone, in a long time, or have gone to each other’s house. He didn’t wonder why it happened. He knew very well.
It became like an unspoken agreement. With their popularity rising, a lot more was at stake, and scandals were not something they needed at the moment. It was always something each member of Johnny’s had to be conscious of. One slip up could mean you’re suspended from activities or booted from the agency entirely. They’ve already seen it happen too many times, both to their group and others. But while they were always rather careful, they didn’t need to sneak things around so much. There was always paparazzi around ready to snap pictures, but in the early years they weren’t so well known. There were more important idols to keep a watch on. They could get away with a lot more. Now that they’ve come so far, become so popular, it’s a lot harder to stay out of the spot light. So slowly but surely, their more intimate relationship slipped away and became strictly friendship and band mates. It was safer that way.
He thought about Shota often, and missed what they had before. But there are plenty of distractions to keep his mind busy and his hands to himself. Working on his movie and songs and all of the concerts are enough. When night comes, though, and he is alone at home or in a hotel, he can’t help but wonder if Shota ever thinks of him, if he too misses what they were, or if Shota might be relieved. If maybe, being nothing but friends takes a weight off his shoulders, not having to wonder if anyone outside of the group will find out about them and go spewing it to a tabloid. It was a relief not having to worry, but having Shota was worth it, he figured. They could deal with it, and if something ever happened that it did come out, they could pull through it. They would still have each other.
“Don’t you think, Subaru?” Yoko’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts, bringing him back to the Janiben set.
“Uh, yeah. Right.” He hadn’t been listening at all to what the guest was saying, so he hoped he was agreeing to something he really did agree with, and Yoko wasn’t just being an asshole, noticing Subaru had been spacing out. But no one laughed or made any comment. They moved on to the next topic smoothly. Subaru let out a relieving sigh as quietly and slowly as he could. He glanced once more at Shota, and their eyes met for a brief moment. His expression was blank, like it is when he listens to one of the less interesting guests. Subaru can’t tell what he’s thinking. He’s guessing, hoping, the expression is just for that purpose. It’s not drawing attention, and there is no indication to what is going on up there.
So, when he receives a text after he gets home asking to keep Christmas open, he doesn’t even know how to respond. He grips his phone tight, his hands shaking just a bit. He tries typing out a message several times, after hitting the wrong keys several times before the message is actually readable.
Anyone else coming?
Minutes pass as he waits for the answer. Sure, it took him ten minutes to answer Shota’s, but certainly he didn’t get that busy in that amount of time that he can’t answer. His hands start to sweat and the phone becomes slippery. He sets the phone down on the back of the couch before he drops it, because with his luck, it would break and he’d never know the answer. As soon as he takes a step away from it, his phone chimes and his heart jumps.
No, the message reads. Just us.
It had to be a good thing. Shota wanted to see him. But somehow he was skeptical. After so long, and suddenly now he wants to see him? On Christmas no less? What was Shota going to pull?
Subaru expected Shota to act a little different the next time he saw him at work. But it was the same as it was every day. They greeted each other when one of them entered. There was small talk between them and the group. They ate the provided lunch together, and they were nearly by themselves, but Maru came along and plopped himself down, telling some outrageous story about the night before that was most likely some trippy dream than an actual event. Their interactions were so normal, so seamless, Subaru started to wonder if he hadn’t dreamt it himself. Perhaps he fell asleep on his couch and it never happened. He didn’t recall having anything to drink either. The thought crossed Subaru’s mind to ask Shota to make sure, but he would, and already did, feel far too stupid if it turned out it never happened. He didn’t need that right now. The whole week leading up to Christmas was the same. The event was pushed to the back of Subaru’s mind, as he figured if it was happening, there would have been a meeting place already planned and a time. None of that was discussed. Shota hadn’t even hardly texted him unless it had to do with work.
The last day they had of work before the nonexistent date, they were all packing up to leave, talking about what plans they had with who.
“I’m skipping town.” Ryo announced. “Go hang out with some people in Tokyo for a while.”
“Don’t get caught up in anything.” Hina warned, though he knew Ryo would try to be careful, there’s always the chance he could get a little too drunk and pull something he wouldn’t normally.
“I think I’ll just stay home this year.” Ohkura said, hoisting his bag over his shoulder. “I’m too tired to go out, and it’s too much of a hassle anyway. Too many people on the streets.”
“Yeah,” Subaru agreed. “I think I’ll do the same thing.”
There was a shudder and a muffled thump across the room. All heads turned toward Shota, who was on his knees, bent over his bag, scooping the contents back into it. “You okay, Yasu?” Maru asks, and Shota shrugs.
“Yeah, I think I just tripped.”
“Over what? Air? There’s nothing there.” Ohkura added, opening the wrapper to a snack cake.
Shota laughed shakily, slightly forced. “Not like it’s the first time!”
“Yeah, no kidding. Happens every other day.” Yoko mumbled out loud, smirking at Shota before slinging his bag over his shoulder and yelling out a good-bye as he walked out the door.
“Well don’t hurt yourself too much.” Hina says, following Yoko out. “We can’t afford any time off.”
Shota laughs again and closes the latch on his bag before standing up. He waves to the rest of the members still around and leaves the room. Subaru fiddles with his bag for a few minutes before doing the same, jogging to catch up with Shota.
“You’re real clumsy, you know that?”
“I thought we had plans.” Shota’s words are blunt and bland as he trudges forward, not offering a glance up or breaking his stride.
“Uh,” So plans really were still on. “There was never a place or time set and after the first message you never said anything. So I figured.”
“Could have asked.”
Either way I look like a dumbass so it really didn’t matter. “Sorry. So we’re still on?”
“Of course!” His voice was pepped up and suddenly excited. “We can meet at the train station and go to the city from there.”
~*~
The heat was on too high in the train station. Subaru leaned against the wall, his arms folded across his chest. He wore a slim black jacket, sunglasses, and a dark knitted hat. It was the best and most bland outfit he had to try to stay out of the spotlight. It worked well enough. Most people didn’t give him a second glance, and it was refreshing.
Shota had no trouble finding him of course, and bounced right up to him, his outfit much more subdued than usual. Dark blue jacket hanging loosely over blue slim fitting jeans and white sneakers. He too wore a hat and thick framed, lense-less glasses and a thick scarf around his neck that was wrapped high and covered half his face. A few people looked over as he made his way over, sending a slight chill up my spine, but they quickly moved on to find their track or up into the city.
“Only you could attract attention in such a bland outfit.” He says it’s bland, but Shota pulls almost any outfit off extremely well. Especially when skinny jeans are involved and he is able to clearly see his ass. But that got damn jacket was in the way.
Shota grinned, taking it as a compliment. “Let’s get going. We don’t have all night.” He grabbed onto his arm and pulled him up the stairs that lead to the outside. The cool air smacked them both in the face with a large gust of wind, but Shota didn’t seem worried about the cold in the least. Subaru was suddenly envious of the scarf he had. Damn winter.
“We haven’t hung out like this for a while.” Shota mentions matter-of-factly, as though it hadn’t been a good year since they had a night alone like this. Digging deep into his coat pocket, he pulled out a small white cardboard box and handed it to Subaru, without pausing once. “I got you something. I thought you’d like it.”
Subaru pulled off to the side of the walk way and opened the box, something small and silver jumping out and landing with a tinny think on the ground. He bent over and picked it up, examining it in his hand. It was a thick ring, decorated with engraved sharp geometric shapes and curvy circles and lines. It was rather Shota-like, and he hadn’t been wearing accessories like this as often as he used to. But the gesture of it made his stomach churn excitedly.
“Why a ring-“
“I was just messing around with designs and stuff again.” Shota spun on his heel and turned away from him. “And I made Ohkura one before. So I thought I’d give this one to you. Maybe I’ll make some for the other members and give it to them as presents or something. Oh, look, I love that store!” He pointed in a vague direction continued walking on, so Subaru quickly put the ring back in the box and shoved it in his pocket.
“Hey, you going to answer me-“but he was already in the store, gawking at all of the clothes and accessories, blatantly ignoring what he was saying. He was too busy sifting through clothing, hardly looking at the design or the sizes. Each rack was hit, more than once.
“Look at this.” Shota finally pulled a shiny, silver metallic hoodie with black lines going down the arms and bright green strings hanging from the hood. He held it up and stared at it, looking it up and down, scrutinizing it as though he was inspecting a diamond.
“You really like that thing?” It looked rather gaudy to me. Then again much about Shota was gaudy so it fit him just fine. “Hand it over, I’ll get it for you.”
“No, I’ll get it myself.” He hooked the clothing under his arm, but he pulled it out with little effort.
“You got me something. So this is mine to you.”
“You don’t have to!”
“It’s a return gift. You have to accept it, so shut up and accept it.”
Shota stood to the side and watched him wait in line and purchase the hoodie. Subaru knew well that when Shota said he liked something, it doubled as meaning he wants it. He remembered that time while being interviewed for Potato Shota kept saying he liked his cloths, and being the wonderfully good friend he considered himself to be, he gave Shota almost all of his clothes. The bastard kept them too. It was just how things went. He enjoyed making Shota happy, and giving him things made him smile. This time, though, as he handed the bag to Shota, he had an uneasy look about him and took the bag almost regrettably, as though it took him until after what he did to realize he was even doing it. Bull. He knew what he was doing. He held tight onto the bag and they left the store for the brightly decorated streets.
“So why Christmas, of all days?” Subaru asks him as they walk down the tight, crowded streets.
“I knew you’d be free.”
“You knew? How could you know? There are other people I like hanging around other than you guys, you know.”
“Okay, I figured you’d be free. And I knew- figured- the other members would be busy, so they wouldn’t want to tag along.”
“So you just played it by ear and hoped you were right.”
Shota coughed up a laugh. “Yeah, but after so many years working so close with you guys, it’s pretty easy to guess these kind of things.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” The wind was still blowing hard and chilly, but it wasn’t freezing with all the people around. Christmas music was being played loudly from nearly every store, creating a jumble of noises that was starting to grate in Subaru’s ears. Shota was smiling though, thoroughly enjoying the scene, so he could deal with it. “So why now? After all this time, why now?”
“I just…” Shota started, the smile slipping off his face. “I really missed being with you.”
Subaru’s heart jumped into his throat, and he had to swallow hard to force any words out. “You did?”
“Of course. It’s been so long since we’ve done something like this…so I thought…”
“You thought…?”
Shota’s cheeks were turning red, and it wasn’t from the wind. Subaru’s hands were shaking from the anticipation of what Shota would say, but his lips were closed tight. Out of the corner of his eyes, Shota looked up at him, and gave him a small smile. A little, reassuring smile. A small spark went up Subaru’s spine, and he grabbed Shota’s wrist, pulling him into a narrow alley between stores, unable to keep his hands away from Shota for any longer. Subaru didn’t need to hear what else Shota had to say. Shota had missed him, and this was more than just an outing with a friend. The gift Shota gave him was proof enough.
Subaru pushes him against the wall, holding his wrists. Shota looks at him, wide-eyed, his muscles tensing under his hands. Slowly, he brought his face closer to Shota’s, but he flinched away, sending a shock to Subaru’s chest. “Stop.” He said firmly, but his voice wavered. “Someone will see.”
“Forget them.” He went in again, but again Shota ducked. Subaru tried to hold in the exasperated sigh tingling the bottom of his throat, but it slipped out. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. Shota wasn’t supposed to be resisting.
“We can’t. You know that. Eyes are everywhere. Cameras are at the tips of their fingers.”
“Stop thinking about them.”
“We can’t.” Shota struggled, trying to pull his wrists away, to twist out from under him. “We could get in a lot of trouble if we’re caught. If that happens, the other members, they’ll-“
“Forget about them!” Subaru repeated, shouting, forcing Shota to wince. He gritted his teeth, willing himself to calm down, keep his voice low, as to not attract any attention. It was beyond frustrating, just when Subaru thought Shota was coming around, thinking they would be back together again. “Forget about them for just a minute.”
“I can’t just forget! There is too much at stake to just do whatever we want-“
“Don’t talk to me about that. You don’t think I know? For one god damn minute, can you just forget about the fucking media, the other members, the fans, everyone, except you and me? For one minute.” Shota nodded his head, his eyes cast down. “If none of that other stuff existed, if we were just regular people on the street without having to worry about having our lives plastered on every got damn magazine out there, would we still be together?”
Shota hardly hesitated in his answer. “Yeah. We would.”
“Then why the hell can’t we be now?”
“You know why!” Shota almost shouted, harshly, remembering to keep his voice down. “There is too much risk, and I actually like being in this group and this job, and I don’t want to lose it!”
“You think I do? But why the fuck do we have to give up what we had, what we were, all together? We’ve always been careful. No one has ever caught us, because we’re not stupid enough to do it out in the open and totally disregard the fact that there are eyes fucking everywhere but inside our homes.” He was gripping Shota’s wrists so tight his knuckles were turning white and Shota was tense. He loosened his hands and dropped them to his side, breathing in deeply. “I get that there’s more attention on us and what we’re doing ‘cause we got a boost in popularity or whatever the hell. But I really can’t stand this anymore. Having to act like nothing more than friendship has ever happened between us.”
Shota was staring at the ground, kicking some rocks around with his shoe. You could see how he was chewing the inside of his mouth, keeping himself in check. Slowly his head started shaking. Subaru’s heart was beating so fast it was painful. “Can’t you just move on?” Shota’s voice was broken, shaky, and he was starting to curl into himself, becoming smaller and smaller. “Wouldn’t that just be easier? To put it all behind us?”
“You don’t mean that. You wouldn’t have done all this if you really wanted to forget everything. “
“I missed you, okay? I wanted to hang out again. I didn’t think it would mean anything. I thought we would go as friends.”
“That is bullshit and you know it.” He growled, clenching his fists against the wall. Shota flinched, scrunching his shoulders up as though there was a threat, though he knew very well there wasn’t one. “You knew what you were doing when you asked me out. You knew what it would imply. Don’t give me that load of shitty lies.”
He could tell Shota’s face was turning red, even in the dim light coming off the street lamps. He appeared so small, so sad. “I just, I don’t know what to do anymore. No matter what we do…If we stay apart, it’ll hurt. If we decide to be together…we’ll have to hide it all over again, and if anyone were to find out…”
“We’d deal with it. Like we always have.”
Shota looked up then, right into Subaru’s eyes, his eyebrows drawn up. “How the hell can you be so sure everything would work out?”
“I’m not. But even if you went and dated some bimbo off the street, the same shit would happen. You would still have to keep things on the down-low and be careful what you do. Get them pissed off and they could ruin your career the same way.”
“That’s not comforting. At all.”
“But it’s true.” Subaru let his hands drop from the wall. He turned from Shota, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know what else to say. I can’t just sit here anymore, seeing you every day and not be able to have you. It’s fucking torture.” He wanted Shota to agree. Desperately. He wanted to hear the words out of Shota’s mouth that he wanted to be with him again. He clenched his fists together again to stop his hands from shaking as silence stretched out longer than it should have. “I get it. If you’d feel better just to ‘move on’, then fine. I’m tired of all this.”
More silence, and it tore his heart to pieces. But he refused to show it to Shota, the reason he felt like he was falling apart inside. The fact that they had another day off the next day suddenly seemed like a blessing. It would be too difficult to face him again and act the same as always. He didn’t need to be bothered by the others bombarding him with questions why. The last thing he needed was to lose it in front of everyone.
“Fuck it all.” Subaru said with a clenched jaw. “I’m going.” He shoved his hands deep in his pockets and trudged off through the still-bustling crowds and the lights. It didn’t matter if Shota decided to follow him or not. He hailed the first taxi he could instead of going back to the train station, getting out of there as quickly as he could.
When he reached his home, Subaru threw his hat, jacket, and glasses to the floor and kicked his shoes off so hard he nearly banged his foot against the genkan step. He stomped to his room and fell back onto his bed, glaring up at his ceiling. The heartache he’d been feeling in the city was quickly replaced by pure anger from having hoped that the night would have ended any differently. He didn’t know who he was madder at- Shota for setting things up as though there was hope for something more, or himself for falling prey to his own desire and ruining what relationship they had left. The box Shota had given him was digging painfully into his thigh, just adding more to the small fury that was brewing inside of him.
He sat up and pulled out the box, holding it in his hands. What a load of crap it all was. He didn’t know Shota could be such an asshole to give him such a gift. On Christmas. When they’d had a past.
Yeah, a past was right, he thought, chucking the box at the wall, landing it into the garbage can.
~*~
He thought things would be better when the work day finally came around, but they weren’t. The last thing he still wanted to do was see and have to interact normally with Shota. But it shouldn’t be too hard, he told himself. He’d been forced to act before. It should come naturally by now.
Luckily, not much effort had to be put forth. They had interviews separately that day and there was very little contact between members between different activities. They all had break together, but he ate his lunch around Hina and Yoko and Shota hung around Tacchon instead. It was a buy day with a long schedule, and there wasn’t too much time in between to notice any differences between the two.
The day started to wind down and members started gathering lazily getting their things together, tired out, and chatting idly. Subaru was caught by Hina before he could leave out the door, being reminded about the next schedule, and about being on time because some of them are having trouble with that, apparently. Maru roped him into trying to do some gag that he really wasn’t in the mood for. While Maru was caught up in his antics he snuck away, heading for the door. Ryo seemed to be in a hurry to get out as well, so it didn’t seem too obvious. Those who caught him leaving said quick goodbyes, and as soon as the door shut, he was free. His guard could be let down and he could relax and sulk all he wanted about what had happened those few days ago. He didn’t have to avoid Shota at all, the schedule took care of that, giving no one the chance to feel any sort of difference or distance between them. The next time should be nothing.
“Hold on,” A voice called, forcing Subaru to stop dead in his tracks. Shota was running up from behind. Subaru had the urge to dash off into a different direction, away from Shota, but something held him in his spot, his feet feeling as heavy as boulders.
“What? Did I forget something?” Subaru asked, not bothering to turn and look at Shota. He didn’t want to see him after being able to avoid him so long.
“We need to talk.” Shota had stopped a few steps away from him, his voice quiet and even.
“I think we did enough talking. Like you said, let’s move on from it.”
“Please, we need to.”
Subaru hesitated in answering, thought about saying ‘screw you’ and leaving him behind in the dust, but despite what Shota had said to him before, he still cared a bit too much to do that to him. “Fine, what do you want?”
“Turn around, at least.” It was less of a request, more of a command. Like a child, Subaru huffed and turned on his heels, his arms folded across his chest. Shota glared at him, clearly annoyed, but he dropped it quickly, picking his battles. “I’m sorry about what happened on Christmas.”
“Mhmm.”
Shota gritted his teeth and ignored it. “I really didn’t mean for that all to happen.” He rubbed his arm and looked away to the side. “It was pretty bad to ask you out for that night, I realize that. But like I said, I knew you’d be free. I really wanted to spend time with you again, but without all the stress of…what we had before.”
“So it was all just stressful.”
“You know it wasn’t. I loved every minute of it, and I loved you too.” The past tense made Subaru cringe, hating how it already sounded so far away. “I…I still do. You know that. And it was really cruel to give you the gift I did, because of the implications, but I thought you would like it. A different time might have been better.”
Subaru rolled his eyes, tired of Shota bringing up that night and all the ‘implications’ he was well aware of. He was extremely happy to know Shota still felt for him, but it was all shrouded in the negative air that they weren’t going to be together. It was obvious enough Shota hadn’t come to say he changed his mind. “Can you get to the point already?” It was mean, and Shota grimaced at his harsh tone, but he couldn’t help it.
“I’m sorry about everything.” Shota lowered his head. “I’m sorry I got your hopes up the way I had. But…I hope we can get past this. Soon. Because I want to be close to you again, as great friends, like we are.”
Subaru softened, letting his shoulders fall and his frustrated expression slipped off his face. He couldn’t afford to push him away. Even though it wasn’t in the way he wanted, he wanted to be around Shota without the static. “Yeah. We’ll see.” Subaru said, and a smile started on Shota’s face but he hid it quickly.
“Maybe one day, when things are calmer, we can…We can try again.” Shota walked ahead then, letting his hand slip for just a moment, quicker than a blink, into Subaru’s before passing him up and heading for the way out.
It wasn’t an end to what they had. It wasn’t a beginning to something new. It was a continuation, like the ending of a book meant to go on. Subaru wouldn’t say he was happy with it, but knowing there were still feelings, still a possibility things could work out, was something he could be content with. Something he could look forward to. And he will be waiting to see what comes next.
A/N: I hate endings, I really do, hah. I'm happy I finally finished something though! I gave myself the deadline of Christmas, to see if I could actually finish it by now. I had two weeks, but I'm a super procrastinator. And I'm just barely making it with a few minutes to go. But I'm satisfied with it. It could have been better, but I liked the way it ended (almost) instead of the rather more cliche ending I had just earlier tonight. I don't know, perhaps it's a bit weak, but I'll let it slide for this one and put more effort into ones I've been working harder on. But, in the end, I hope you enjoyed reading it, even just a bit!
Pairing- Subaru/Yasu
Rating- PG
Genre- Angst, maybe?
Word Length- 4612
Disclaimer- Totally fictional :) Disregarded how schedules may really be.
Summary- Just when Subaru thought Shota was coming around, thinking they would be back together again, something bigger stand in their way.
Note- This was a challenge to myself to see if I can actually finish something by a deadline. Just barely made it!
It’s been busy lately. Hardly an ounce of time to think about anything other than work. What with the tenth year anniversary performances, the new record label, album and tour, down time is a rare thing. Add on the regular bout of photo shoots, interviews, television appearances and their own shows to host, and you have a very full schedule.
So Subaru can’t help it when during a taping of Janiben he finds himself staring at Shota a little more than usual. He sees him all the time at work, but somehow when he sees him now, his chest starts to ache. A distance seems to have sprouted up between them, even if it isn’t so obvious on stage or screen. Though they see each other constantly and still go out once in a while for a meal, another member is always with. When a bit of free time is squeezed into the schedule, Shota is already flooded with plans from other friends and family he hasn’t seen in so long. Subaru makes plans as well, and enjoys using some of that time to separate from people and have time just for himself. But he would be willing to drop all that if it meant some alone time with Shota.
The last few years put a bit of a strain on their personal, more secret relationship. They had pulled apart, though they always acted and communicated as though nothing had changed between them when they were around everyone else. But they hadn’t gone out together, alone, in a long time, or have gone to each other’s house. He didn’t wonder why it happened. He knew very well.
It became like an unspoken agreement. With their popularity rising, a lot more was at stake, and scandals were not something they needed at the moment. It was always something each member of Johnny’s had to be conscious of. One slip up could mean you’re suspended from activities or booted from the agency entirely. They’ve already seen it happen too many times, both to their group and others. But while they were always rather careful, they didn’t need to sneak things around so much. There was always paparazzi around ready to snap pictures, but in the early years they weren’t so well known. There were more important idols to keep a watch on. They could get away with a lot more. Now that they’ve come so far, become so popular, it’s a lot harder to stay out of the spot light. So slowly but surely, their more intimate relationship slipped away and became strictly friendship and band mates. It was safer that way.
He thought about Shota often, and missed what they had before. But there are plenty of distractions to keep his mind busy and his hands to himself. Working on his movie and songs and all of the concerts are enough. When night comes, though, and he is alone at home or in a hotel, he can’t help but wonder if Shota ever thinks of him, if he too misses what they were, or if Shota might be relieved. If maybe, being nothing but friends takes a weight off his shoulders, not having to wonder if anyone outside of the group will find out about them and go spewing it to a tabloid. It was a relief not having to worry, but having Shota was worth it, he figured. They could deal with it, and if something ever happened that it did come out, they could pull through it. They would still have each other.
“Don’t you think, Subaru?” Yoko’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts, bringing him back to the Janiben set.
“Uh, yeah. Right.” He hadn’t been listening at all to what the guest was saying, so he hoped he was agreeing to something he really did agree with, and Yoko wasn’t just being an asshole, noticing Subaru had been spacing out. But no one laughed or made any comment. They moved on to the next topic smoothly. Subaru let out a relieving sigh as quietly and slowly as he could. He glanced once more at Shota, and their eyes met for a brief moment. His expression was blank, like it is when he listens to one of the less interesting guests. Subaru can’t tell what he’s thinking. He’s guessing, hoping, the expression is just for that purpose. It’s not drawing attention, and there is no indication to what is going on up there.
So, when he receives a text after he gets home asking to keep Christmas open, he doesn’t even know how to respond. He grips his phone tight, his hands shaking just a bit. He tries typing out a message several times, after hitting the wrong keys several times before the message is actually readable.
Anyone else coming?
Minutes pass as he waits for the answer. Sure, it took him ten minutes to answer Shota’s, but certainly he didn’t get that busy in that amount of time that he can’t answer. His hands start to sweat and the phone becomes slippery. He sets the phone down on the back of the couch before he drops it, because with his luck, it would break and he’d never know the answer. As soon as he takes a step away from it, his phone chimes and his heart jumps.
No, the message reads. Just us.
It had to be a good thing. Shota wanted to see him. But somehow he was skeptical. After so long, and suddenly now he wants to see him? On Christmas no less? What was Shota going to pull?
Subaru expected Shota to act a little different the next time he saw him at work. But it was the same as it was every day. They greeted each other when one of them entered. There was small talk between them and the group. They ate the provided lunch together, and they were nearly by themselves, but Maru came along and plopped himself down, telling some outrageous story about the night before that was most likely some trippy dream than an actual event. Their interactions were so normal, so seamless, Subaru started to wonder if he hadn’t dreamt it himself. Perhaps he fell asleep on his couch and it never happened. He didn’t recall having anything to drink either. The thought crossed Subaru’s mind to ask Shota to make sure, but he would, and already did, feel far too stupid if it turned out it never happened. He didn’t need that right now. The whole week leading up to Christmas was the same. The event was pushed to the back of Subaru’s mind, as he figured if it was happening, there would have been a meeting place already planned and a time. None of that was discussed. Shota hadn’t even hardly texted him unless it had to do with work.
The last day they had of work before the nonexistent date, they were all packing up to leave, talking about what plans they had with who.
“I’m skipping town.” Ryo announced. “Go hang out with some people in Tokyo for a while.”
“Don’t get caught up in anything.” Hina warned, though he knew Ryo would try to be careful, there’s always the chance he could get a little too drunk and pull something he wouldn’t normally.
“I think I’ll just stay home this year.” Ohkura said, hoisting his bag over his shoulder. “I’m too tired to go out, and it’s too much of a hassle anyway. Too many people on the streets.”
“Yeah,” Subaru agreed. “I think I’ll do the same thing.”
There was a shudder and a muffled thump across the room. All heads turned toward Shota, who was on his knees, bent over his bag, scooping the contents back into it. “You okay, Yasu?” Maru asks, and Shota shrugs.
“Yeah, I think I just tripped.”
“Over what? Air? There’s nothing there.” Ohkura added, opening the wrapper to a snack cake.
Shota laughed shakily, slightly forced. “Not like it’s the first time!”
“Yeah, no kidding. Happens every other day.” Yoko mumbled out loud, smirking at Shota before slinging his bag over his shoulder and yelling out a good-bye as he walked out the door.
“Well don’t hurt yourself too much.” Hina says, following Yoko out. “We can’t afford any time off.”
Shota laughs again and closes the latch on his bag before standing up. He waves to the rest of the members still around and leaves the room. Subaru fiddles with his bag for a few minutes before doing the same, jogging to catch up with Shota.
“You’re real clumsy, you know that?”
“I thought we had plans.” Shota’s words are blunt and bland as he trudges forward, not offering a glance up or breaking his stride.
“Uh,” So plans really were still on. “There was never a place or time set and after the first message you never said anything. So I figured.”
“Could have asked.”
Either way I look like a dumbass so it really didn’t matter. “Sorry. So we’re still on?”
“Of course!” His voice was pepped up and suddenly excited. “We can meet at the train station and go to the city from there.”
~*~
The heat was on too high in the train station. Subaru leaned against the wall, his arms folded across his chest. He wore a slim black jacket, sunglasses, and a dark knitted hat. It was the best and most bland outfit he had to try to stay out of the spotlight. It worked well enough. Most people didn’t give him a second glance, and it was refreshing.
Shota had no trouble finding him of course, and bounced right up to him, his outfit much more subdued than usual. Dark blue jacket hanging loosely over blue slim fitting jeans and white sneakers. He too wore a hat and thick framed, lense-less glasses and a thick scarf around his neck that was wrapped high and covered half his face. A few people looked over as he made his way over, sending a slight chill up my spine, but they quickly moved on to find their track or up into the city.
“Only you could attract attention in such a bland outfit.” He says it’s bland, but Shota pulls almost any outfit off extremely well. Especially when skinny jeans are involved and he is able to clearly see his ass. But that got damn jacket was in the way.
Shota grinned, taking it as a compliment. “Let’s get going. We don’t have all night.” He grabbed onto his arm and pulled him up the stairs that lead to the outside. The cool air smacked them both in the face with a large gust of wind, but Shota didn’t seem worried about the cold in the least. Subaru was suddenly envious of the scarf he had. Damn winter.
“We haven’t hung out like this for a while.” Shota mentions matter-of-factly, as though it hadn’t been a good year since they had a night alone like this. Digging deep into his coat pocket, he pulled out a small white cardboard box and handed it to Subaru, without pausing once. “I got you something. I thought you’d like it.”
Subaru pulled off to the side of the walk way and opened the box, something small and silver jumping out and landing with a tinny think on the ground. He bent over and picked it up, examining it in his hand. It was a thick ring, decorated with engraved sharp geometric shapes and curvy circles and lines. It was rather Shota-like, and he hadn’t been wearing accessories like this as often as he used to. But the gesture of it made his stomach churn excitedly.
“Why a ring-“
“I was just messing around with designs and stuff again.” Shota spun on his heel and turned away from him. “And I made Ohkura one before. So I thought I’d give this one to you. Maybe I’ll make some for the other members and give it to them as presents or something. Oh, look, I love that store!” He pointed in a vague direction continued walking on, so Subaru quickly put the ring back in the box and shoved it in his pocket.
“Hey, you going to answer me-“but he was already in the store, gawking at all of the clothes and accessories, blatantly ignoring what he was saying. He was too busy sifting through clothing, hardly looking at the design or the sizes. Each rack was hit, more than once.
“Look at this.” Shota finally pulled a shiny, silver metallic hoodie with black lines going down the arms and bright green strings hanging from the hood. He held it up and stared at it, looking it up and down, scrutinizing it as though he was inspecting a diamond.
“You really like that thing?” It looked rather gaudy to me. Then again much about Shota was gaudy so it fit him just fine. “Hand it over, I’ll get it for you.”
“No, I’ll get it myself.” He hooked the clothing under his arm, but he pulled it out with little effort.
“You got me something. So this is mine to you.”
“You don’t have to!”
“It’s a return gift. You have to accept it, so shut up and accept it.”
Shota stood to the side and watched him wait in line and purchase the hoodie. Subaru knew well that when Shota said he liked something, it doubled as meaning he wants it. He remembered that time while being interviewed for Potato Shota kept saying he liked his cloths, and being the wonderfully good friend he considered himself to be, he gave Shota almost all of his clothes. The bastard kept them too. It was just how things went. He enjoyed making Shota happy, and giving him things made him smile. This time, though, as he handed the bag to Shota, he had an uneasy look about him and took the bag almost regrettably, as though it took him until after what he did to realize he was even doing it. Bull. He knew what he was doing. He held tight onto the bag and they left the store for the brightly decorated streets.
“So why Christmas, of all days?” Subaru asks him as they walk down the tight, crowded streets.
“I knew you’d be free.”
“You knew? How could you know? There are other people I like hanging around other than you guys, you know.”
“Okay, I figured you’d be free. And I knew- figured- the other members would be busy, so they wouldn’t want to tag along.”
“So you just played it by ear and hoped you were right.”
Shota coughed up a laugh. “Yeah, but after so many years working so close with you guys, it’s pretty easy to guess these kind of things.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” The wind was still blowing hard and chilly, but it wasn’t freezing with all the people around. Christmas music was being played loudly from nearly every store, creating a jumble of noises that was starting to grate in Subaru’s ears. Shota was smiling though, thoroughly enjoying the scene, so he could deal with it. “So why now? After all this time, why now?”
“I just…” Shota started, the smile slipping off his face. “I really missed being with you.”
Subaru’s heart jumped into his throat, and he had to swallow hard to force any words out. “You did?”
“Of course. It’s been so long since we’ve done something like this…so I thought…”
“You thought…?”
Shota’s cheeks were turning red, and it wasn’t from the wind. Subaru’s hands were shaking from the anticipation of what Shota would say, but his lips were closed tight. Out of the corner of his eyes, Shota looked up at him, and gave him a small smile. A little, reassuring smile. A small spark went up Subaru’s spine, and he grabbed Shota’s wrist, pulling him into a narrow alley between stores, unable to keep his hands away from Shota for any longer. Subaru didn’t need to hear what else Shota had to say. Shota had missed him, and this was more than just an outing with a friend. The gift Shota gave him was proof enough.
Subaru pushes him against the wall, holding his wrists. Shota looks at him, wide-eyed, his muscles tensing under his hands. Slowly, he brought his face closer to Shota’s, but he flinched away, sending a shock to Subaru’s chest. “Stop.” He said firmly, but his voice wavered. “Someone will see.”
“Forget them.” He went in again, but again Shota ducked. Subaru tried to hold in the exasperated sigh tingling the bottom of his throat, but it slipped out. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. Shota wasn’t supposed to be resisting.
“We can’t. You know that. Eyes are everywhere. Cameras are at the tips of their fingers.”
“Stop thinking about them.”
“We can’t.” Shota struggled, trying to pull his wrists away, to twist out from under him. “We could get in a lot of trouble if we’re caught. If that happens, the other members, they’ll-“
“Forget about them!” Subaru repeated, shouting, forcing Shota to wince. He gritted his teeth, willing himself to calm down, keep his voice low, as to not attract any attention. It was beyond frustrating, just when Subaru thought Shota was coming around, thinking they would be back together again. “Forget about them for just a minute.”
“I can’t just forget! There is too much at stake to just do whatever we want-“
“Don’t talk to me about that. You don’t think I know? For one god damn minute, can you just forget about the fucking media, the other members, the fans, everyone, except you and me? For one minute.” Shota nodded his head, his eyes cast down. “If none of that other stuff existed, if we were just regular people on the street without having to worry about having our lives plastered on every got damn magazine out there, would we still be together?”
Shota hardly hesitated in his answer. “Yeah. We would.”
“Then why the hell can’t we be now?”
“You know why!” Shota almost shouted, harshly, remembering to keep his voice down. “There is too much risk, and I actually like being in this group and this job, and I don’t want to lose it!”
“You think I do? But why the fuck do we have to give up what we had, what we were, all together? We’ve always been careful. No one has ever caught us, because we’re not stupid enough to do it out in the open and totally disregard the fact that there are eyes fucking everywhere but inside our homes.” He was gripping Shota’s wrists so tight his knuckles were turning white and Shota was tense. He loosened his hands and dropped them to his side, breathing in deeply. “I get that there’s more attention on us and what we’re doing ‘cause we got a boost in popularity or whatever the hell. But I really can’t stand this anymore. Having to act like nothing more than friendship has ever happened between us.”
Shota was staring at the ground, kicking some rocks around with his shoe. You could see how he was chewing the inside of his mouth, keeping himself in check. Slowly his head started shaking. Subaru’s heart was beating so fast it was painful. “Can’t you just move on?” Shota’s voice was broken, shaky, and he was starting to curl into himself, becoming smaller and smaller. “Wouldn’t that just be easier? To put it all behind us?”
“You don’t mean that. You wouldn’t have done all this if you really wanted to forget everything. “
“I missed you, okay? I wanted to hang out again. I didn’t think it would mean anything. I thought we would go as friends.”
“That is bullshit and you know it.” He growled, clenching his fists against the wall. Shota flinched, scrunching his shoulders up as though there was a threat, though he knew very well there wasn’t one. “You knew what you were doing when you asked me out. You knew what it would imply. Don’t give me that load of shitty lies.”
He could tell Shota’s face was turning red, even in the dim light coming off the street lamps. He appeared so small, so sad. “I just, I don’t know what to do anymore. No matter what we do…If we stay apart, it’ll hurt. If we decide to be together…we’ll have to hide it all over again, and if anyone were to find out…”
“We’d deal with it. Like we always have.”
Shota looked up then, right into Subaru’s eyes, his eyebrows drawn up. “How the hell can you be so sure everything would work out?”
“I’m not. But even if you went and dated some bimbo off the street, the same shit would happen. You would still have to keep things on the down-low and be careful what you do. Get them pissed off and they could ruin your career the same way.”
“That’s not comforting. At all.”
“But it’s true.” Subaru let his hands drop from the wall. He turned from Shota, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know what else to say. I can’t just sit here anymore, seeing you every day and not be able to have you. It’s fucking torture.” He wanted Shota to agree. Desperately. He wanted to hear the words out of Shota’s mouth that he wanted to be with him again. He clenched his fists together again to stop his hands from shaking as silence stretched out longer than it should have. “I get it. If you’d feel better just to ‘move on’, then fine. I’m tired of all this.”
More silence, and it tore his heart to pieces. But he refused to show it to Shota, the reason he felt like he was falling apart inside. The fact that they had another day off the next day suddenly seemed like a blessing. It would be too difficult to face him again and act the same as always. He didn’t need to be bothered by the others bombarding him with questions why. The last thing he needed was to lose it in front of everyone.
“Fuck it all.” Subaru said with a clenched jaw. “I’m going.” He shoved his hands deep in his pockets and trudged off through the still-bustling crowds and the lights. It didn’t matter if Shota decided to follow him or not. He hailed the first taxi he could instead of going back to the train station, getting out of there as quickly as he could.
When he reached his home, Subaru threw his hat, jacket, and glasses to the floor and kicked his shoes off so hard he nearly banged his foot against the genkan step. He stomped to his room and fell back onto his bed, glaring up at his ceiling. The heartache he’d been feeling in the city was quickly replaced by pure anger from having hoped that the night would have ended any differently. He didn’t know who he was madder at- Shota for setting things up as though there was hope for something more, or himself for falling prey to his own desire and ruining what relationship they had left. The box Shota had given him was digging painfully into his thigh, just adding more to the small fury that was brewing inside of him.
He sat up and pulled out the box, holding it in his hands. What a load of crap it all was. He didn’t know Shota could be such an asshole to give him such a gift. On Christmas. When they’d had a past.
Yeah, a past was right, he thought, chucking the box at the wall, landing it into the garbage can.
~*~
He thought things would be better when the work day finally came around, but they weren’t. The last thing he still wanted to do was see and have to interact normally with Shota. But it shouldn’t be too hard, he told himself. He’d been forced to act before. It should come naturally by now.
Luckily, not much effort had to be put forth. They had interviews separately that day and there was very little contact between members between different activities. They all had break together, but he ate his lunch around Hina and Yoko and Shota hung around Tacchon instead. It was a buy day with a long schedule, and there wasn’t too much time in between to notice any differences between the two.
The day started to wind down and members started gathering lazily getting their things together, tired out, and chatting idly. Subaru was caught by Hina before he could leave out the door, being reminded about the next schedule, and about being on time because some of them are having trouble with that, apparently. Maru roped him into trying to do some gag that he really wasn’t in the mood for. While Maru was caught up in his antics he snuck away, heading for the door. Ryo seemed to be in a hurry to get out as well, so it didn’t seem too obvious. Those who caught him leaving said quick goodbyes, and as soon as the door shut, he was free. His guard could be let down and he could relax and sulk all he wanted about what had happened those few days ago. He didn’t have to avoid Shota at all, the schedule took care of that, giving no one the chance to feel any sort of difference or distance between them. The next time should be nothing.
“Hold on,” A voice called, forcing Subaru to stop dead in his tracks. Shota was running up from behind. Subaru had the urge to dash off into a different direction, away from Shota, but something held him in his spot, his feet feeling as heavy as boulders.
“What? Did I forget something?” Subaru asked, not bothering to turn and look at Shota. He didn’t want to see him after being able to avoid him so long.
“We need to talk.” Shota had stopped a few steps away from him, his voice quiet and even.
“I think we did enough talking. Like you said, let’s move on from it.”
“Please, we need to.”
Subaru hesitated in answering, thought about saying ‘screw you’ and leaving him behind in the dust, but despite what Shota had said to him before, he still cared a bit too much to do that to him. “Fine, what do you want?”
“Turn around, at least.” It was less of a request, more of a command. Like a child, Subaru huffed and turned on his heels, his arms folded across his chest. Shota glared at him, clearly annoyed, but he dropped it quickly, picking his battles. “I’m sorry about what happened on Christmas.”
“Mhmm.”
Shota gritted his teeth and ignored it. “I really didn’t mean for that all to happen.” He rubbed his arm and looked away to the side. “It was pretty bad to ask you out for that night, I realize that. But like I said, I knew you’d be free. I really wanted to spend time with you again, but without all the stress of…what we had before.”
“So it was all just stressful.”
“You know it wasn’t. I loved every minute of it, and I loved you too.” The past tense made Subaru cringe, hating how it already sounded so far away. “I…I still do. You know that. And it was really cruel to give you the gift I did, because of the implications, but I thought you would like it. A different time might have been better.”
Subaru rolled his eyes, tired of Shota bringing up that night and all the ‘implications’ he was well aware of. He was extremely happy to know Shota still felt for him, but it was all shrouded in the negative air that they weren’t going to be together. It was obvious enough Shota hadn’t come to say he changed his mind. “Can you get to the point already?” It was mean, and Shota grimaced at his harsh tone, but he couldn’t help it.
“I’m sorry about everything.” Shota lowered his head. “I’m sorry I got your hopes up the way I had. But…I hope we can get past this. Soon. Because I want to be close to you again, as great friends, like we are.”
Subaru softened, letting his shoulders fall and his frustrated expression slipped off his face. He couldn’t afford to push him away. Even though it wasn’t in the way he wanted, he wanted to be around Shota without the static. “Yeah. We’ll see.” Subaru said, and a smile started on Shota’s face but he hid it quickly.
“Maybe one day, when things are calmer, we can…We can try again.” Shota walked ahead then, letting his hand slip for just a moment, quicker than a blink, into Subaru’s before passing him up and heading for the way out.
It wasn’t an end to what they had. It wasn’t a beginning to something new. It was a continuation, like the ending of a book meant to go on. Subaru wouldn’t say he was happy with it, but knowing there were still feelings, still a possibility things could work out, was something he could be content with. Something he could look forward to. And he will be waiting to see what comes next.
A/N: I hate endings, I really do, hah. I'm happy I finally finished something though! I gave myself the deadline of Christmas, to see if I could actually finish it by now. I had two weeks, but I'm a super procrastinator. And I'm just barely making it with a few minutes to go. But I'm satisfied with it. It could have been better, but I liked the way it ended (almost) instead of the rather more cliche ending I had just earlier tonight. I don't know, perhaps it's a bit weak, but I'll let it slide for this one and put more effort into ones I've been working harder on. But, in the end, I hope you enjoyed reading it, even just a bit!
